


If Only

by StrangestBlossom



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-13
Updated: 2014-12-13
Packaged: 2018-03-01 08:14:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2766017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrangestBlossom/pseuds/StrangestBlossom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If only he would've stopped it. He knew it would end like this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Only

Solas had always been a man of solitude. A 'lone wolf' as some in the Inquisition called him. That phrase always left a bitter taste in his mouth. The isolation that had given him the title brought him small comforts. Safety from Templars and idiocy of humans. But the loneliness that came with it was agonizing. He would suffer through it for the good of all, no matter how much it hurt. He had too.

He seldom sought the company of others. When he did, they were denizens of the Fade. Spirits eager to discuss history or philosophy with him. He certainly didn't join the Inquisition seeking companionship. Yet he found it amongst the Inquisitor's Inner Circle and with the Inquisitor herself. Though his relationship with her was much more than friendly.

He cared deeply for her, but he was selfish enough to get involved. The first kiss was ill-advised and he should not have encouraged it. But the way her lips felt, the taste, he craved for more. And he took it. Claiming her lips with a ferocity he thought had left him ages ago. 

His desire consumed him quickly. The sound of Lavellan's breath hitching only fanned the flames. She welcomed his advances with enthusiasm, allowing her lips to be parted by his invading tongue. His arms enveloping her into his embrace, holding her tight against him. Her sounds of approval encouraged him, causing a familiar ache of want in his chest.

But he shouldn't.

They parted, and the warmth he was feeling was suddenly gone. The chill replacing it was unbearable. Solas took her lips again. This time was too hasty. Too quick, too fast for him to be satisfied when he pulled away. He should've ended it there, but his selfishness wouldn't allow him. Even when he knew it would end like this.

He had ended it. Left her behind in that grove. Turned his back on her and left. He did not need to be in her dreams to understand how she was feeling. Anger, sadness, hurt, betrayal. But that was what he is supposed to do, is it not? Betray the ones he cares about? The ones who trust him?

Every moment they spent together he knew it would come to this. From quiet moments in the rotunda to the dance at Halamshiral, the thought hung in the back of his mind. A beast at the edge of camp, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. But there was no perfect moment for this. No way he could do this without hurting her. Her smile, her laugh. He selfishly wished to keep them as long as he could.. But that only made it worse. Every one of those moments, wonderful and sweet, made this all the more painful for her. That was what he regretted most.

He awoke from their shared dream in her room. They had fallen asleep together to visit the Fade. His arm around her waist, face pressed into her shoulder. He allowed himself a few seconds to relish in her warmth for the last time. He pulled himself away, the cold that he felt before he met her returned. Seeping into his bones. Allowing himself a glance at her face, he saw that her brow was furrowed and her eyes wet with tears. Again he turned his back from her, when she needed him most.

Solas treaded lightly as to not wake her up. He needed to leave. To let her process this. To let her decide how she felt about him. As much as it pained him, he hoped she would hate him. She couldn't think that they had any possibility of being like this again. he needed her angry. He could handle angry. He wasn't sure if he could handle seeing her hopeful glances and sad smiles.

Once he reached the bottom of the stairs, Solas was about to leave but he paused when he heard the sound of rustling sheets. She was awake. Was she going to come after him? Beg for answers he couldn't provide? Worry lingered at the edges of his mind. But... No, she was... Sobbing.

He swallowed hard. He wanted to go up to her. Apologize and comfort her. But he couldn't. She needs time to heal, he told himself.

Solas opened the door as quietly as he could. He was about to shut it behind him, but hearing Lavellan's voice stopped him. And what she said shook him to the core.

"Dread Wolf take him."

The elven man's grip on the doorknob tightened, and his knuckles turned white. He choked back a pained sob. Suddenly wishing for another world, another life. A liar wanting nothing more than to tell the truth.

Silently, Solas agreed with her.

If only he would.


End file.
